Use Your Words!

We spent a year battling E at bedtime.  When the boys were sharing a room and Z was in a crib, desperately needing to sleep in the pitch black dark that E was scared of, we let sleep in our bed.  Which turned into him playing on our computer, THEN sleeping in our bed. 

When my husband went out of town and I had no one to blame my child's poor bedtime habits on, I became more strict.  Z was finally okay with sleeping with a night light, and we made a little tent out of Ethan's bunk bed which allowed him to read with a small light. 

But E still couldn't get himself to sleep at night, and he began sneaking out of his room and playing in our room instead.  At first it was just computer games.  Whatever.  Not ideal, but whatever.  When you're tired after a long day of parenting, you let your kid do stuff they shouldn't as long as they aren't bothering you.  And it worked for a little while.... until E completely his mind and started destroying things, peeing in trash cans, ripping apart the dog's bed and coloring all over himself and the furniture. 

I.Was.Livid.

I would drag my butt upstairs at 11pm, ready to crash only find Ethan still awake and my room a total disaster.  I did my best to stay calm, explain the bad behavior, give a proper spanking, elicit an apology.  Banned him from my room completely.  But he kept sneaking in there and destroying more things.  Night after night. 

I yelled.  I screamed at him.  I grabbed him by the shoulders and demanded to know what was wrong with him. He looked more confused than anything, and I wanted to knock his head off.  Why in the world was none of this scaring my child???  Why wouldn't he see me in a rage and take off running?

Then came the knowledge of Asperger's.  Oh.  He doesn't associate my yelling with my anger.  He just thinks I'm using my outside voice and has no idea why I'd be so loud when his siblings are trying to sleep.  Oh.

I didn't get it.  So many times he'd get in trouble and, while yelling about his punishments, didn't seem to get that I was furious. But now I know.  And we're fixing things!

For the past week, whenever I am upset, I don't just start lecturing.  I say things like, "Ethan.  Do you hear the way I'm talking?  I'm not smiling and my voice sounds low and serious.  I am very, very angry.  I'm angry because (insert reason)."  Almost immediately he pauses and says, "OH!  I'm sorry, Mom!  It was a mistake. I'm sorry."  The kid seriously didn't get it.  Even though he recognizes and rightly labels emotions in books, on tv, and in himself, he couldn't do it with his own mama.

I'm hoping that if I explain my physical features along with the emotions enough times, he'll begin to connect it on his own.  It wasn't enough to just say "I'm angry!" or "I told you, you're not supposed to color on the chair!!"  while being angry.  I have to explain what angry on my face and hands looks like, what it sounds like to ears.  THEN he can actually listen to my words, instead of wondering why I'm acting so bizarre, shouting and waving my arms and slinging him around at midnight. 

Oh, how I wish I could do the past to years over again.  I'd definitely address all the issues in a different order than Super Nanny or Tedd Tripp suggest.  Because discipline only works if your child can *hear* you louder than his own brain.  Quiet his brain by addresing his confusion *first,* then your eager to please rule-following, perfectionist ends up putting his own self in time out!

Yeah.  I'd love to do it over again.

Wait. What?  Toddler with Asperger's?  Nevermind.  We'll just keep moving forward.  ;)