For the last few weeks, I've been listening to sermons online during the day. I started out with ones about being a godly wife and mom then branched out to the rest of a series on Proverbs.
I cannot begin to tell you the effects this has had on my spiritual life, overall energy level, and the cleanliness of my house! I'm getting so much done around here AND I'm happy to be doing it. It's so refreshing to be hearing God's word and to be encouraged as I simply go about my daily home-life. My heart is full of peace, and that's making me so much more aware of the opportunities I have to serve and love others like Jesus would. Thankfully that peace didn't come a moment too soon:
We found out the Army's moving us to Alaska. I was really excited about the adventure until I found out that Josh will be deploying again a couple months after we get there. That stinks in itself, but I'm more concerned about surviving my first winter up there without him. Snow to my thighs, ice-covered roads (they don't bother to salt them up there), and temperatures that reach 50 below zero terrify this Georgia girl. Snow causes panic and empty grocery shelves down here, and I can remember one snowless day when our school closed because it was just "too cold" and they were afraid the buses wouldn't run. I keep imagining my car run off the road during a blizzard, Ethan and I mildly bleeding and huddling under a blanket in our back seat, praying someone will drive by and rescue us. It's not a pretty picture.
The more I imagine life up there alone, the more terrified I become. I've been feeling so anxious, jittery, and sick to my stomach. I know that God's big enough to take care of me, but I tend to get swallowed up in worry pretty easily once I let my mind run rampant. I pray, and that brings peace for a moment but within a few hours, I'm panicking again. I keep telling myself that it's pointless to worry about something months away--- that all my fretting might not even matter if God takes me out before then--- so I try to stall it, but I just haven't been very successful and I'm getting really tired of feeling so nervous.
Last night, I came home from a weekly Bible study and decided to get really serious about this anxiety. I've been convicted lately of my habit of seeking Christian books, commentary, articles online, friends, etc. for all of my troubles but not really digging deep into Scripture by itself, by myself for answers. So, for the first time in a while, I did... and it was awesome.
I came to the glaring conclusion that my worry is a sin.
In Matthew 6 and Luke 12, Jesus plainly says, "Do not worry." It's easy to understand that when Jesus commands us, "Don't commit adultery" or, "Don't murder" and we do it anyway, that's sin. No problem. I won't do those things because I didn't want to do them in the first place. It's harder to swallow when it's something that's become second nature. .
I come from a long, long line of worriers, and in a world where no one preaches that you actually have control and power over the thoughts you think, it's really, reaaaaallly easy for me to believe "I can't help it! It's just the way I am." Well, sure, it's the way I am: I'm a sinner. But according to scripture, being a worrier isn't something carved into my being in the same way that God gave me freckles. Jesus wouldn't command me, "Don't have freckles;" I don't really have control over that. But apparently, he can command me to not worry because with His help, not worrying is a choice I can make, just like every other choice I can make to become more Christ-like.
So, I start new today. No more sinful worry. More realistically, when the temptation to worry arises, I will recognize it and choose to think something different. If I actually need to be thinking about the move and start panicking, I'll stop and dwell on the verses below (hopefully memorized!) until I believe that God really is big enough. And if I'm just daydreaming and panicking, I plan to redirect my thoughts toward praying for my family since I never do enough of that. Admittedly, worry, fear and fretting are not going to be easy habits to break, but I trust that God's both capable and willing enough to change me.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If you then are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?
“And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added to you.
“Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Luke 12:22-34