Today has too many awake minutes.

I haven't written in a few days.  I spent the weekend at my parents and brought home a suitcase full of chiggers. 

I voluntarily traded some of my twenty for cleaning another day.

And another, I think I sat on the couch and stared at the tv.

But today, I absolutely feel like I'm losing my grip, so here I am.

Sweet baby girl turned 9 months old yesterday.  She's so flappy and happy and sweet and shy and snuggly... and screamy.  The lack of consistency is killing her.  I rescued her from her bed one night because she seemed so.darn.sad. and ever since, she thinks the key to gaining affection is to shriek her lungs out.  It's exhausting and painful to listen to, and I'm tired.

I haven't gone to bed before midnight all week, either, which I'm sure only adds to the weary.

E has been a whining fool all day.  Instead of asking happily for things, it all only comes out in whine, and while I usually enjoy his company, today I want to hide in my closet and sleep.

And now for the stuff really on my mind, now that the keys have been dusted...

. . .

I'm well down into my stack of Asperger's books and have become fairly certain that my husband has it, too.  He's so high functioning and well-adapted and social and capable of all the things, that I am not even sure a psychologist would diagnose it, but all the signs are there.

(He doesn't believe me, but I am sure that's only because he hasn't read the books.  He also said I'm allowed to talk about it with other people without it causing marital strife, so I figure the whole internet is a great place to start.  ((Love you, babe!)) :) )

Asperger's is a weird thing.  There clearly hasn't been enough research to determine what I believe in my (ever so wise---HAH!) heart to be the truth about it.  I think it's pretty black and white, not some sliding scale that if you gain enough social skills and tricks of the trade that you just magically no longer qualify for a diagnosis.  I think it's all brain structure and function, and when some parts are smaller or don't work as well and other parts work better than others, sometimes it displays itself as this psychological syndrome we call Asperger's.  I think if we could get a peek inside, a lot more people would have it than we realize.

My husband is so logical.  Somewhere along the line, his family fully adapted the notion that men are logical and women are emotional, so their strength in thinking things through without having to deal with "feminine" things like *empathy* just makes them more manly.  So, when I watch romantic movies or cry during engagement stories or get emotional for no apparent reasons, I hear things "Aww... girls are so silly."  Yeah, girls might be silly, but I might also just be a neurotypical human with an amygdala that lets me look into people's eyes and understand how they feel.

And that's just the *tip* of the giant iceberg.  But I'm tired and can't form any more thoughts at the moment.... so.... there ya go.  I do know that won't be short on material for a long, long time, though, if I pull on this thread.  So... we'll see where this goes.