This is what it looks like when you've given up (an unfinished post)

We're kind of a hot mess over here.  I've been suffering from some burnout and in utter defeat, let the kids start calling the shots.  They eat total crap food around the clock, watch junk tv and (to top it off) don't fall asleep before midnight.  On the plus side, my job is a whole lot easier when I don't care.  It's like I have taken a vacation in the middle of the chaos.  Laundry mildews wet in the machine and gets a few bonus wash cycles as a result.  My 

Surviving.

My head is spinning.  This is one helluva hard summer.  Josh's visit a couple weeks ago was like salt in the wound.  Hooray!  Let's just remind you how much easier and more fun life is when your husband isn't across the country, only for him to leave again before you even get to fully connect!  YES! 

I know it could be so much worse, but it's just one of those weeks where I don't feel very thrive-y.  I want to provide all kinds of great experiences for my kids.  I want to be plugged in and providing some sort of mental stimulation for them daily, even if we don't leave the house.  But with a nursing baby, a toddler, and a preschooler all under only my care every day of the week... I'm just... spread too thin or something. 

I have not at all mastered this way of life. 

I hope to heaven it gets easier as the kids get older.  If Makenzie wouldn't try to eat all the things, I think that'd be a great start.  Kinda difficult to craft or experiment with a shrieking baby trying to shove pony beads in her mouth.

I want to be a much better mom than I am.  I feel like they're all just getting slivers of a very broken, very tired, rag doll of a caregiver this season.

I know we're going to survive... but I wish so much that I could do better than that. 

Let it Gooooooooooo!

What to say, what to say?

I've been making a list of all the items we need to / should / hope to sell before we move.  It's daunting to think that we're going to be losing a massive number of square feet when we move.  Downsizing just after our family as expanded is going to be a challenge.  I hope I don't feel trapped in the walls in a few months.  It's been so nice here with all these babies we've made... having a house large enough that we can play inside and not get too cabin fever-y.

I don't want to Craigslist with no husband around, but I really need to be taking pictures of all these things and writing descriptions so as soon as his feet get back in the state, I can post it all quickly.  I kinda just want to run and hide thinking about it.  Sooo much to do.  Sooo many decisions to make.

Our last move was about as easy peasy as they come.  One 18-month-old, moving within the state, new house bought before the packers showed up.  And even that was more stressful on the marriage than I expected it to be.  Doing it with more kids and out of state and within 2-3 weeks of Josh coming home from school?  Yeeeee.  I've got to learn how to just give up and let things be what they are. 

It's amazing that even after 9 years of the army teaching me to let go, I still want to plan all the things so badly!  I want everything to be easy and organized!  I want answers to all of the stupid questions before I show up to a city homeless.  But, ya know, that's how they expect me to roll... so I better just get used the idea that we're going to get there and open a box full of our current trash with crumbs in the rugs and sticky furniture.  There are definitely worse things in the world.

I keep watching the Israelites on the news (we still call them Israelites, yes?).  17,000 people fleeing for their lives, carrying their daily water on their shoulders, trying to keep their families safe from flying missiles?  Yeah.  I'll happily take packing all our sticky junk and cramming it into a smaller home and feeling like the walls are closing in.  I'll be so blessed just to have walls.  <3 p="">

Stormy

Last night was stormy.  Simultaneous lightning and thunder stormy.  See the flash from all the windows, hear the bolt make that cracking sound, stormy.

When I put the boys to bed, they asked me to sleep with them.  I told them that I might, after they fell asleep, if there was room for me in the bed they shared.  I had bills to pay and some sanity to recover.

I came downstairs, logged into the bank account and was plugging in numbers when E showed up by my side.  "I'll just wait here until you're done. It's too scary to fall asleep."

I looked at him and realized they were in no way going to let me off the hook.  And I hate storms.  So, I quickly finished then offered--- for the first time EVER (well, since they were each 4 weeks old)--- to sleep in my bed with me.  Of course that turned into 20 minutes of them squealing and jumping and being absolutely nuts while I tried to squeeze in a quick phone call to the hubs.
Z screamed when I turned off the lights.  Apparently he has a real fear of the dark.  So, I turned them back on for him, which meant he thought it was time to party again, but eventually, after much proving to him that I was *serious* (by flipping out the lights any time he got rowdy), he fell asleep.  At 11pm.  At 3, I woke up to pee.  At 5, Zach woke up begging to go back to his room to sleep. 

I'm not a fan of 24/7 parenting.  It's hard.  And I'm just dyyyyyying for some minutes alone today. But they ran upstairs for quiet hour while Makenzie was still wide-eyed so I've spent the time with her. I figured after she'd been awake for 3.5 hours, it would be safe to put her in bed, but she went down screeching.  I just want to faceplant.  Hard.  In the dirt.  And then let it rain on me.

On the plus side, my bed mates weren't too intrusive.  I'm amazed at how still they lie when they're actually asleep!  I'd totally let them join me more often, but I kinda need them in bed before 11pm if we are all going to survive.  :op 

The Mini R&R

My husband came home to visit for the four day weekend that Independence Day provided.  SO good to see him.  And now that we're back into the "normal" of separation, it's SO hard to comprehend that just four days ago I was holding his hand.   The close of tomorrow marks the halfway point.  So, so thankful to be at the downhill slope of this.

I keep thinking I want time to just stop for a minute so I can get a chance to breathe.  But time stopping just delays what my heart wants most, so we'll just keep on chugging.

With the boys struggling so much with this distance, Josh and I thought it'd be nice if he could spend some quality time alone with each of them.  Friday was full of family fun at his mom's house, so Saturday Josh took Ethan to the movies and the toy store... a full 4 hour adventure.  Zach got his time the next day with a trip to the playground park for trike-riding and rock-throwing and then to the toy store.  Their hearts were happy. Are happy. Those hours are still repeating benefits now, as they fully and completely understand that Daddy doesn't WANT to be away from them but *has* to be.

I had hoped that I could get MY time with him after the kids went to bed.  But we had no babysitter. And the boys were up late the night before Josh came home since my parents were here.  And their bedtimes were all screwy. So, they kept wandering downstairs for hoooours after bedtime.  Like, we finally got to be alone at 11pm, when we were both ready for some sleep.

It was good to see him.  It was just way harder to share him than I anticipated.  We've clearly hit a new chapter in life, where kids don't just disappear into a crib at bedtime and we can sneak in our time afterward.  Life pretty much officially revolves around them if we're inside the same building.  And that's fine and good and whatever... it was just... surprising in that it was absolutely unlike any other R&R or weekend visit we've ever had before.  Clearly recruiting has blessed us with minimal separation!