Doubt

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown. My mom went home Sunday, and I was left with a cranky little baby who expected to be held all day, even through his naps.  It was so frustrating because Ethan has always been a great daytime sleeper.  I could put him in his crib good and drowsy, and off he'd go.  I wasn't sure how to go about fixing this new problem, and it didn't help that in all the books I read and articles I dug up online, I only got conflicting advice. 

Let him cry it out.
Don't by any means let him cry it out. 
Respond immediately. 
Wait 15 minutes.
Wait 45. 
Waiting will cause your child to be afraid of the world. 

Ugh.  What's a mom to do?! The nail in the coffin, though, was reading that by this age, my baby should be able to be laid down completely wide awake and fall asleep on his own, with a few fusses but no true wailing... something Ethan's never done. 

As I was listening to him fuss it out (which turned into screaming and sobbing) I suddenly felt like the worst mother in the world.  I couldn't shake the thought that if anyone else was taking care of Ethan, he would be a much happier baby than he is with me.  I truly believed that someone else would be able to just look at him and know what to do, while I stood there in tears, confused and hopeless.

I prayed for wisdom, for some divine inspiration about what I was doing so wrong, or for a manual on Ethan Care to drop from the sky.  Of course that didn't happen, but in the dark quiet as my son finally started to drop off to sleep, something else was whispered into my heart: 

Yes.  Other people may figure out what he needs faster and with more precision than you.  But God didn't give him to anyone else.  He gave him to you.  And He gave him to you knowing that right now, you'd be alone to raise him. 

Amazing.
So, onward I go.  I haven't done everything right and I'll continue to stumble my way through this parenting thing, but that's okay.  God orchestrates my life, and since this is where His hands have led me, it must be okay.  God loves me, I love my son, and that's going to have to be enough.