Bye Bye Deployment #2

Josh is 3 hours away, and my heart is having some serious palpitations.  I don't know if the fluttering and beat-skipping is from the exhaustion of cleaning a house from top to bottom, taking care of a babe, and doing 5 loads of laundry in one day or if it's from excitement.  Probably a nice mix of both.

I've been so blessed to have my mom visiting this past week.  I've had a really busy week and having a live in babysitter has been a lifesaver.  Sometimes it's just nice not to have to tote a 3 month old around with you everywhere you go.  She just left 30 minutes ago, so I have a wee bit of time to just sit down and relax before my world gets turned upside down again.

I always get so nervous before Josh comes home.  I know it's silly, but I can't help but be afraid of the unknown.  When Josh deploys for an entire year, I have to create a new life for myself. Although that life isn't half as fun, happy, fulfilling or exciting as the life I have with my husband, it's still my life.  My boring little routine is what I know, and I've found comfort in it for a year. 

But it's more complicated than that this time.

Ethan makes it a little bit more nerve-wracking somehow.  I've heard so many horror stories about trying to introduce Daddy back into family life, and I want to be better.  I don't want to actively love my son louder than I love my husband, but after having a tiny baby demand everything of me, I have a hard time comprehending how I'll have the time and energy to be an amazing wife, too.  I know deep down that Josh will immediately jump in, be a wonderful father, and free up some of my time to allow me to be the great wife he deserves... but since it's not a reality we've ever lived, I have an extremely hard time picturing it.  My mind immediately conjures up much more depressing images.  Me locked in the bathroom crying.  Or me feeding Ethan, loving him, playing with him, changing him, bathing him, rocking him, putting him to bed without Josh's help.  Or worse yet, Josh trying to help, but me telling him he's doing everything "wrong," so feeling pushed out, turns to video games, golf, or nights out with friends. 

It's just scary.  I *know* we'll be fine, and in a few hours, I'll be happier than I've been in a year... but right now, I'm nervous.