My "Thing"

Tonight I was talking to a friend about lifelong dreams and passions.  Even though she knows my heart straight through, it turns out she had no idea I've never had any.  I've never had any overarching life goals, no burning desire to be a [something], no hobby, no niche, no "thing."  She's always wanted to be a wife and mom and since our hearts are so aligned now, I guess she assumed I was the same.  But I'm not.  I remember at 17 very firmly thinking I never wanted any children. 


I spent so much time in college agonizing over my directionless-ness. I prayed, I questioned, I tried my hand at a variety of majors hoping for Great Revelation or even a simple stumbling on my hearts truest desire.  I felt like a wanderer, hopeless and failing.  To make matters worse--in my estimation-- all of that searching came to nothing.  Educationally, I chose the practical path, and eventually God gave me a husband to love, and children to raise. 

Right now, this job has my heart, but it's not something I have always dreamed of or always wanted my whole life.  As all consuming as this task of raising little children is, I know one day they'll be big and it'll be time for me to do something else.  Again, I'll be back to wandering.

Upon first realization, the thought terrifies me and dredges up all the feelings of inadequacy and failure I fought to eradicate during those searching college years.  Then I remembered that life goes on, often magnificently, even when you can only envision your future as a black abyss.

And I see now, that no matter where I've been, I've passed through each stage of my life trying my hardest to do it the "right" way--- in a a way pleasing to God.  ((Of course I've wandered here and there, royally screwed up from time to time, but God's had His way and won my heart back time and time and time again.)) 

I realize now, that perhaps, my life does have purpose direction, even without overarching direction.  I truly can just.be. and glorify God in all the murkiness.

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ."  ~Col 3:23-24